How difficult is divorce for women

Michèle & Friends - The art of growing up

When love turns into anger: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith ». (Photo: 20th Century Fox)

The first wave of breakups shook my circle of friends when the first children came. Now that most children are in their teens, the second wave of breakups is coming. It almost seems worse to me, perhaps because most couples lasted for so long after all. Maybe also because I'm already behind me - and remember only too well. But I have some consolation for those who are going through this right now. Divorce is similar to having children: a fundamentally traumatic experience about which, in retrospect, you say: I don't regret it.

Here's the uncomfortable truth: It gets bad, especially when kids are involved. The good news is: it will pass. And because separations are, despite everything, something everyday, we can fall back on a wealth of experience on how to deal with them. Because every divorce also means to a certain extent a death, the death of the marriage, most separation stories also follow the 5 phases of mourning:

1. Denial

Denial usually takes place in the run-up to the separation. One imagines that the marriage can still be saved, tries everything, desperately more and more desperately. This is a mistake. Ambivalence is the worst. For fear of making the wrong decision, one persists in intolerable conditions until exhaustion. You know there is nothing left to save, and yet you reach for every straw. In this situation, it is better to make a decision even if it is the wrong decision. Tip: Create as clear relationships as possible, separate them spatially, keep your distance and deal with them in peace.

2. Anger

Be prepared for bitter feelings. Be prepared for a black quagmire that either simmers inside you or is thrown at you by your partner. Expect that the person you part with will no longer have anything in common with the person you have awakened next to for twenty years. Often everything that one has left in love for one another turns into hatred and reproach. Try to avoid that. Anger is good for you, but it's not good. My ex-partner and I argued constantly via email and chats after the breakup. Completely pointless, a bloodless communication that goes in circles. You shouldn't make this mistake either. Avoid provocations, answer only if necessary and then objectively.

3. Negotiate

This is the time when you think you're already out of the woods, but haven't even come to terms with the divorce. A friend who moved out of the household with her husband a few months ago told me how it felt for her: “At first I was fine. Sweet freedom! It was like a breath of fresh air entering a room that had not been ventilated for over ten years. I let off steam: going out as long as you want, organizing spontaneous orgies, drinking and smoking weed all weekend. " Of course, such euphoria like to and suddenly turns into howling misery. Because even the sweetest freedom quickly loses its tingling sensation and tastes stale. Then you are ready for the next step: calm down and process your divorce.

4. Depression, despair, loss

Here it goes to the nitty-gritty. Because no matter how you twist and turn it: It feels like shit. Even if you know you will feel better afterwards. Even if you're already feeling better, it hurts to process a breakup. You can numb yourself with alcohol, take psychotropic drugs, or pretend nothing is happening. It doesn't help, you have to go through it. I tried different things: faked normality in the hope that normality would come back at some point. But that only half worked. I often cried on public transport, mostly on the train. But tears are healing. After all, you don't want to be one of those victims of divorce who never got over it - and who you sometimes meet in bars or internet forums. Believe in yourself, cultivate the good in life: friends, joy, travel.

5. Acceptance

One morning you wake up and it's over. At some point everyday life returns, the pain subsides, you reorient yourself. That is the point that you aim for from the beginning, unfortunately the path cannot be shortened until then. It usually takes at least a year to celebrate Christmas, holidays and birthdays in the new constellation at least once. But sometimes it takes longer. But at some point it is over and then it only gets better and a new life, new love, new adventure awaits you.

Michèle Binswanger became known as the author of the Mamablog as well as for her columns and research on women's and social issues. She has written two bestsellers: “Macho Mamas - why women should want more at work” and “Cheating - a handbook for women”. Now she is celebrating her mum blog comeback as a diary author.