Everyone really hates me
Because of my anxiety disorder, I take everything personally.
When friends take a little too long to reply to a message, I start telling me to worry: “You don't even want to talk to me. I'm annoying. You are deliberately ignoring me. They do not like me. They hate me.”
"I do not feel seen"
I hate to write to someone because there is a chance of rejection. Knowing that someone has read my message but doesn't want to reply makes me sick. I do not feel seen.
Even if I don't get an answer after five short minutes, I get too caught up in trifles. If a message is short or snappy, I am scaredthat I'm wasting their time and they only answer me to be nice. Then I tell myself that I shouldn't have written in the first place.
No matter how long I've been friends with someone, I need constant reassurance that I'm loved. Otherwise I'll assume the worst. I assume that I made them angry and that they don't want me around anymore, that the friendship is over.
My anxiety disorder makes me overinterpret any situation. It doesn't matter if someone doesn't have time for me on the weekend because they have to work. I do not believe him. I tell myself he's lying and secretly doesn't want to see me.
The whole world is against me
My anxiety disorder makes me believe that the whole world is against me. I suppose if something bad can happen, it will. I find it hard to stay optimistic because I've had so many uncomfortable moments and embarrassed myself over and over again.
In social situations I don't know what to say. I am either too quiet or too loud. I don't know how to act like a "normal" person. I don't know how to get involved in groups.
I find it difficult to speak to family members I have known for years. Not to mention strangers in front of me at the supermarket checkout. I assume that everyone hates me. I assume that they are laughing at me behind my back.
That's why I have such big problems flirting. I never go into flirting because I assume they just want to be nice. Even when it is clear that you are interested I don't get my hopes up.
I tell myself it won't last long. As soon as they realize who I really am, they will understand that I am not worth their attention and will run away.
My anxiety disorder makes me question my self-worth. This leads to the fact that I also doubt all of my fellow human beings. When someone compliments me, I don't believe them. When someone tells me they love me, I don't believe them. I don't think that can be true. I don't understand why anyone would want something to do with me.
Because of my anxiety disorder, I don't see my worth. I only see a million mistakes.
This blog first appeared on “Thought Catalog” and was translated from English by Moritz Diethelm.
This article was written by Holly Riordan
The original for this post, "Depression: I Believe Everyone Hates Me Because of My Anxiety Disorder," comes from HuffPost.
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