How hard has life hit you

Why do we all find it so difficult to make decisions?

I spoke to someone very special about decisions a few weeks ago. Make decisions. Decisions that beto meet. Decisions that might make someone. Regret decisions.
Why do you always have to choose something? All life is made up of choices. It wasn't my decision to be born and into life. This decision was made for me by my parents, who divorced a few years later. A conscious decision on your part.
The older I got, the more I was confronted with the subject of this divorce and also the decision. I understood and understood again and again that I cannot shirk certain decisions. Despite the fact that I have a choice, especially in adulthood, I have hardly had a choice in recent years - if you are forced to do something and cannot offer verbal or physical resistance, it is disgustingly bitter.
Hardly a day goes by without us having to make decisions. It doesn't matter whether someone hears it or ignores it. I often find it unnecessarily and extremely difficult to make a decision. And yet there are things or situations in which I can and will without a doubt decide directly. On the one hand, I can't even choose a drink on the cocktail menu and, on the other hand, there is an inner voice that simply decides without my having had the opportunity to talk to her beforehand. What is the reason for this contradiction in and with the decision? The word actually presupposes a clear party, a clear opinion, a clear answer.
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Do you prefer black or white? Gray was the response from that someone I talked to about decisions. His decision is gray. Black and white are defined in this way and he would rather be “free”, i.e. gray. I think that's good. This was about relationships and this is where he may just be free. That's right. I want to be free too. A conscious decision of mine that I make and would clearly make again at any time. The difference is that this clear decision can be so different and unclear. When it comes to relationships, I can make a clear choice for myself - I love my partner, so I choose him. New every day. Clearly defined - no gray. More like black and white. And yet I can and want to be free too. So I make the decision for myself to only want to be with someone and love who lets me be who I am. Then I can also be free when I'm with someone.
This decision is actually quite simple and straightforward. So why do we still find it so difficult to make a statement? Not only when it comes to choosing our partner, but fundamentally. Who says a decision has to be forever? Can't and shouldn't you just change the decisions you've made? What is pushing us and what is putting us under pressure? Probably fear of consequences. Afraid of choosing the wrong one. Afraid of missing out on something if you decide to do something? Is the “gray” decision really better? Does it protect me from the questions asked earlier? I think gray just gives more leeway - but I can still miss something here too. Nevertheless, I have to reckon with certain consequences here as well. Nevertheless, I have to make decisions even in the gray. Life is life - regardless of whether it is black and white or gray.
I choose colorful today. I choose a life - my life. I decide based on my gut instinct, which will hopefully be increasingly reawakening. I choose to be confronted with difficult and easy decisions over and over again. Sometimes it can also be very nice and inspiring just to imagine what you would choose if you had to. In the end I realize that I don't even have to decide whether I would rather spend the rest of my life in the middle of the city or in the country. Or whether I prefer to do without music or TV. Or whether I would rather be rich for the rest of my life but without love, or rather loved but poor.
I don't have to decide right now. I am free.