Why do I love woman who shares fantasy
EVERYTHING JUST DREAMED? What our erotic fantasies mean
At the latest when the postman tickles our feet twice, we ask ourselves: Why do we dream what we dream? And what do erotic fantasies have to do with our lives? Quite a lot. But not as you might think. This is how we use our head cinema!
They sometimes come at the seemingly most inopportune moments. In the doctor's waiting room or in the middle of a yoga class. Or when the girlfriend tells vino-pregnant that she can only do it if she mentally puts the neighbour's head on her husband. Almost all of us have erotic fantasies, but we rarely understand them. What does it mean when the postman rings the doorbell in our dreams to tickle our unsocked feet? Or why do we have daydreams of this painted mouth, but the man for it is missing? And is it bad to imagine being taken so hard by a strange man that it makes you ouch?
Psychologists and scientists are also often puzzled about the dimensions, backgrounds and motives of sex dreams. Usually our own erotic fantasies astonish us most of all. Where are you from? Because there are also desires that we are often ashamed of.
Do you want erotic fantasies to come true?
That sounds like advertising, but not like real life. Because what was still exciting in the fantasy can feel really uncomfortable. Few of us find it comfortable to be tied up in bed for hours. Apart from the fact that it can get boring quickly. Couples therapist Ulrich Clement also believes that what has sprung from the head is often well stowed there.
Especially when the erotic fantasy is not aimed at sexual satisfaction, but rather a psychologically adept instrument of relief. We have to be told in more detail.
Erotic fantasies are often little fairy tales that our brain tells us in such seductive colors that we forget everything around us. The stress, the deadline pressure, the argument. Like a child who is distracted from a freshly injured finger by a new toy, our erotic fantasies now and then lead us by the nose.
Like Easyjet with erotic fantasies
But to call erotic fantasies alone as stress killers would not do them justice and would be wasted effort. The book market for sexual fantasies alone speaks volumes and reveals a lot about the underestimated possibilities of our mental cinema. Erotic literature and erotic films for women are experiencing a fabulous boom after Shades of Gray. All sexually frustrated women who only climax in their fantasies? Because they don't have good sex, do you need to read about it?
"To assume that sex is always better than any other erotic experience is simply stupid," says porn director Erika Lust. “Bad sex is never better than a great, sensual book. Erotic novels, pictures or porn films feed your imagination and can inspire you to try new things, to discover new sexual preferences or to have new experiences with your partner. "
Because our head loves with. And actually doesn't even need a book, just a few pretty, dirty thoughts. Because erotic fantasies are the ticket to better sex, especially for women. And in a longer partnership, a good trick to provide yourself with mental stimulation when the mere encounter of the same physical stimuli no longer wants to ignite.
Erotic fantasies break through the usual routines and let us feel sex not as a practiced mechanical act, but always new and different. Let's forget that the dishes are once again towering in the sink. Sexual fantasies allow us to travel to new places and show what could still be explored on the erotic map. Without erotic fantasies, on the other hand, our sexuality stayed in the same place where the plates bathe in greasy sausage pans. Not an exciting idea.
Good Old News! Men and women fantasize differently
Surprise! Okay, this news doesn't shock anyone, but it's interesting. How men and women are sexually aroused differently, they also fantasize differently. The lords of creation dream more simply. Naked Facts. Quick, uncompromising actions. Typical hunter-prey constellations. And the unobstructed view of the female target zone already makes the gray wheels glow brightly.
Women, on the other hand, need a little more input. A story. Details. Emotions. Our imagination wants a story! And conquests. Because with female erotic fantasies it is almost always about us feeling like an object of pleasure, says sex researcher Meridith Chivers. Love threesome? But please with us in the middle! And the beautiful, strange man presses us against the wall, because he just can't help it. "Being desired is an incredibly powerful factor for female sexuality," says Chivers.
We machists who believe we women just like to sacrifice ourselves. So much so that it even determines our erotic fantasies. If we like to believe the American psychology professor Marta Meana, our devotion fantasies are anything but selfless. Research confirms this. While men also dream of satisfying women, women's fantasies mostly revolve around their own climax. Incidentally, that fits quite well. Couples therapist Clement most often hears this loud in his practice of a male fantasy: "A woman who says" Yes! ""
You dream of having sex with other women. Ergo, are you a lesbian!
Nonsense, thinks Erika lust. Like any other form of entertainment, our erotic fantasies were for pleasure. And for many it means simply indulging in the fantasy as long as it lasts without affecting their lives. “I like to read about dominance in the bedroom myself. But that doesn't mean that I really want to do it! (...) Our imagination can inspire us, but it does not define who we are. "
Many psychologists and couples therapists see it a little differently. Of course, for example, not every woman who thinks of another man while having sex with her wants to cheat on her husband in real life, believes Wolfgang Schmidbauer. Anyone who wants to save a relationship through everyday life should think more pragmatically. “If she thinks of other men while having sex, it won't hurt anybody and can even add to the pleasure of both of them. It only becomes dangerous if she cannot switch off the sound in her head cinema and whispers a false name. "
The author and sex expert Arne Hofmann, appointed by the men's magazine GQ, writes: "Like dreams in sleep, erotic fantasies are little mystery stories whose emotional meaning has to be deciphered." Hofmann encourages his readers to learn more about their partner's erotic fantasies and thus to build up more about their inner being and a deeper intimacy. But what is there to learn? Certainly a lot about the partner's longings. Couples and sex therapist Christiane Jurgelucks suspects that it is also about childhood and the way things have become so and not different.
Read on on the next page: What do erotic fantasies say about our childhood and what to do with them as adults?
Cover picture: Risto Kuulasmaa via Flickr (CC BY-NC 2.0)
Preferably nothing. That sounds kind of perverse. But our erotic fantasies are not just a request concert either. Why we fantasize and what we fantasize and what that has to do with our life is also an exciting argument in research.
The researchers agree that really arousing sex fantasies that recur again and again like a pattern already develop in our childhood. The psychoanalyst Jack Morin (reading tip: Jack Morin - Erotic Intelligence. Opening up the inner sources of sexual passion) believes that the passion of the adult can be understood from the conflicts of the child. The couples therapist Jurgelucks explains it like this: "People have the ability to eroticize inner conflicts."
But now we're curious! Jurgelucks illustrates this for us with an erotic fantasy of one of her patients. Her most exciting fantasy was to be in a stable among many other women, like a cow chained naked with a metal collar. Then a man in lederhosen would come in and, after having looked around the other women, walk straight up to her - and give her a smack on the bottom.
Why does the woman find it so exciting? The therapist suggests that the man in lederhosen consciously chose her from all the other women. From a psychoanalytical point of view, this makes even more sense when Jurgelucks says that the woman grew up in a family with many siblings. She was not a desired child, not even as pretty as the mother wished it to be. At least that's what she believed and had grown up feeling unwanted and not desirable either. And this man in lederhosen goes straight to her, chooses her and makes her feel special. A fantasy, as Jurgelucks notes, is very, very common in women.
When erotic fantasies are destructive
Erotic fantasies can be the key to a better love life, but their fictional character can also turn into the opposite. We encounter the phenomenon, for example, with porn addiction - and ask porn director Erika Lust about it. When is it too much fantasy and too little reality? "Good porn inspires you to have good sex with someone else, whereas bad porn only inspires you to masturbate," says Lust. At the latest when the erotic fantasy becomes so overpowering that it makes relationships and shared experiences with others impossible, it is a problem. Using the example of porn addiction, she shows herself alone in front of the screen with her pants down. Not that Frau Lust has something against self-love: “Of course, masturbation is fantastic, we should all do it, but sex is a human experience that is wonderful when shared. “Does that also apply to our fantasies?
Yes and no. The erotic can handle a few dirty secrets too. For example, if you get even more aroused during sex, when you imagine your partner is the Gotthard singer. If you keep this fantasy to yourself, it will remain your awesome trip to freedom. Thoughts are free ... Your actual partner, on the other hand, would probably be more insecure and maybe he would use it against you in the worst moments. The only thing that helps is a lot of humor. But the fantasy won't be the same anymore.
Other erotic fantasies, on the other hand, deserve to be tested against reality together. Those who are not just absurd dreams and can lead their own wild life in your secret upper room, but rather those who are rather desires.
Maybe you would find it exciting if your partner drizzled you with hot wax?
But speaking openly about sexual desires is always so easy to find in scripts that you write for others. Sex therapist Sonja Borner thinks it helps if you open the conversation about erotic fantasies seemingly by chance and only ever offer a small bite of your fantasy. "You, honey, I just read that sex with wax should be hot in the truest sense of the word!" And then one thing leads to another ...
But maybe your partner also says that he has never understood why women feel pain during sex and want to be suppressed, but the next morning everyone should please iron their own shirts. Ouch, for you and your feelings! Some experts advise against starting the conversation at the kitchen table, because the scenery ensures that everything remains factual.
Which place you choose therefore probably depends a lot more on what kind of fantasy it is. A rather harmless fantasy that you would entrust to a friend playing a game of duty-or-truth? Or one you'd better suspect on your therapist's chaise longue. And then it just takes courage.
"The really difficult thing is not to find the right words, but to overcome the inner threshold, to show yourself," says couple therapist Ulrich Clement. And that's not without risk - in life, in love and in sex.
Erika Lust also recommends distinguishing between desire and reality in sex dreams. In her award-winning short film project Xconfessions, she has been illustrating the secret erotic fantasies of her followers for years. “For example, a lot of people write down Xconfessionsthat they would like to watch their husband or wife having sex with another person. But they also write that they are afraid of their feelings if this dream came true. "
Regardless of whether you ultimately like an erotic fantasy in real life, Erika Lust believes that testing fantasies in reality is an incredibly good way to find out more about your own sexuality.
«Do you love reading about spanking? Your decision whether this is something that is more erotic in your head than in your bed. But if you decide to give it a try, prepare yourself for the fact that pleasure and pain really don't go together for you. (...) On the other hand, it could take your sex life to a new level of intimacy and lust that you will never want to be without. "
What is certain is that we will only find out if we try.
Title picture: Unsplash
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