Why do older men like me

psychology - Age Difference: Why Young Women Love Older Men

The fact that mature men are often attracted to young women is nothing new. Celebrities such as politician Franz Müntefering (41 years of age difference to Mrs Michelle) or actor Til Schweiger (23 years between him and girlfriend Francesca Dutton) have already clearly illustrated this. Allocations and judgments quickly arise in the head, because of: he is old and rich, she is young and sexy. Together a wonderful community of convenience.

The fact that young women seriously long for mature men of the age of their fathers and grandfathers, on the other hand, arouses doubts, as does the idea that older men could seriously believe that they are experiencing a second youth with a significantly younger companion. And yet it's not just celebrities who exemplify the model. What is so attractive about the age difference? And above all: is such a relationship good for a future together that will last as long as possible?

Avoid moral condemnation

The Cologne psychologist Ulrich Schmitz attaches great importance to completely ignoring moral condemnation for the time being. Of course there are many ways in which one can find oneself in human existence. This also includes the attraction between people with a very large age gap, says Schmitz.

For him it would be presumptuous “to pathologize everything that is initially unusual for the eye. When two people have an equal relationship, even if it is only sexual, in which nobody is unjustly exploited, then that is just one of the forms of variation in our lives. But it is certainly rather unusual. "

For the psychologist Schmitz, such a relationship between young and old only tumbles when the role models are exaggerated: “When the young women make themselves very small and the men, in return, are very dominant, mature and experienced, a grade comes in which, in my opinion, has tinges of incest. ”Such behavior patterns were too reminiscent of father-daughter relationships.

Such forms are by no means automatic in partnerships with a large age difference.

Appearance plays a big role

The Berlin psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger also sees no reason to immediately sound the alarm in the event of a bond between a young woman and a man who could be older than her father: "We now have a great tolerance for all the types of relationships that are possible."

However, Krüger cannot completely hide the fact that the thought of a purely sexual attraction between a 20-year-old and a 60-year-old puzzles him. “At the age of 20, appearance naturally plays a major role. For young women, an attractive man usually has to be slim and strong, ”claims Krüger. According to the psychotherapist, the fact that women then choose a much older man who simply bears traces of life from age falls out of the usual pattern: “The woman is flourishing, the old man has the end of life in sight. That harbors a great danger of being and remaining strangers to oneself. ”So no chance of a happy ending? At least not if only physical love is in the foreground.

Young men are often considered childish

What both experts find much more understandable than a predominantly sexual relationship is a partnership based on love, trust and security. Older men were often characterized by a good balance between self-worth, sophistication, and reputation. Apparently this is popular with younger women. Especially since, from a psychological point of view, young men are often vain, self-centered and jealous - traits that women of the same age often perceive as childish.

The large age gap usually works well as long as the older man is healthy and strong. According to Krüger, illness and saying goodbye to the active world of work are usually the sticking points where many relationships fail. Because then the focus shifts to what was previously often suppressed by both partners: Virility gives way to physical frailty, a confident business man is sent on an age-related break - and either gets bored or plunges into hobbies and travel that the partner does not share or enjoy it, because it is probably firmly rooted in the job. The differences between young and old are exacerbated in this way. It is difficult for both of them to find a common rhythm. This harbors a great danger of alienation. It is a bit like in the lyrics "On other ways" by Andreas Bourani. There it says, “My heart beats faster than yours. / You don't hit like one anymore. ”But that is exactly what is decisive for a long-term partnership, as scientists have found out.

Peer age is ideal

According to the current state of research, the duration of relationships with a large age difference is clear above all because the living environments are too different. Krüger mentions two borderlines in this regard: In partnerships with an age difference of nine years, the risk of separation increases significantly. With an age difference of 20 years, the risk of separation is 95 percent. This is also confirmed by a study by Emory University in the US state of Atlanta on the perfect age difference: reduced to numbers, a relationship actually has the highest chance of durability if both lovers are of the same age or if there is a maximum of four years between them, the researchers found. This has a lot to do with the equally swinging lifestyle and above all with sexuality.

Our entire life experience goes into sexuality, explains Krüger: “And that's why it's good when the person I sleep with is similarly old. It's not just the physical that plays a role here, but our entire personality, i.e. what I think, what I feel, who I am, how far I am. Peers vibrate similarly, share the same insecurities. And that's a good thing because they both speak a similar language - in life and in bed. ”Age does play a role, at least in love.

Continue reading:
"It would be good if partners would fight longer for each other"

By RND / Andrea Mayer-Halm